I just really need to open my mind and write, so this is what I am going to do. I havwe woken up and I haven’t gone to church today which iss strange because I always dp. I am currently listening to evanesecne one of my favourite bands, because I can actually realte to their lyrics – they make snes of my life. I am not suicidzl – I am stronger than that and at the moent my life isn’t that bad, and I a not currenyly cutting my rists, although I feel like that at the moment because somethingis wornge. Something is changing insode me, I don’t know what but I now I am changing – I may have vene changed. Mny fingers are moving so fast that most of the words on the screen will be worng – but it doesn’t matter, because I know what I mean – although when I come to look back at it I wont – but this is how my head is orgamises, asnd what I am tyhinking at the mo – so many toughts that are just spinning round my head at a million miles an hour. So many yhings iwant to sdo,. And say, and just iofrget the whole world and let it go.
I am not sure what I mean, bt anyway. I may hve decided to not go to choir today because I want to hide – I hust want tto scream help, but I don’t need to because I can just deal with me by me – that’s how it has been al;l my life. This makes it sound like I am ersally drepressed – I am not, this is only a passing dfadre – I wil wake up tomorrow and be much better, although I probably wont bec7ase I ave an it module tommow. And yet again more evanescene lyrics that rfeslly make sense to me. Amy leee is such amarvolous singer as well. Im am not sure who I am anymore – but I am – o now I am me. The main thing is because I am becoming (become) lazy. I need to wrote that like this – LAZY LZY LAZY LAZYL LAZY – ABAUCES YHE MORE I SAY TI THE MORE I DON’T BELIVE IT. Wopp,s that was meant to be in small. But tye more I say it the more I don’t belive it and I am. At primary school that was neverme an no one would use that word to secroibe me and I certainly ewouldnt have tought I would be lazy at all beucsae that isn’t me, and it never weas, but now it is. I ask people if they have something I canborrow, and just iost there nd wait till thehy go and get it, I order, I ask, I don’t do anything for myself, and it is annouinjgn ,and I am wawarew of it,. And at downfield I am using sarcasm so much, and I keep telling everyonre that I a ma sarcastic person, and I know that im really not? Not sure now because tehse two different people that keep living me life seem to have merged into one person called luke warner – who isn’t me. And I really just want to play age ofmythology and lock mysdelf away from the world, but I cant because my parents ewill kill me v os I haven’t gone to church and I wont be able to explain what and why if eel what I do, because I ant even find the words for it now. Thixis why I am waffling so much. Its ten o clokc now and the service is just starting, and the others are probably wondering wqhere I am, and what I am doing, and why I am not here. Well, I am currently typing some words that are making me feel btere.r I just really want to scream I need help can somebody plese just ask me if I am ok so after amoment I can just scream no at them – but it isn’t as bas as that – I just need to say nop im not ok at the moment – I don’t know hat I feel like and I don’t know heo I am . I am currently reading sharron osbournes autobiography – extreme – which is how this is probably sounding – extreme – bnut it needs to. Although it doesn’t cos it isn’t what I am making ti out tio be. But no matter. If I post this on my vlog than all of you shoukd understand. I just need time ok guys, guys at church, to just ort out my brain and all the thoughts that are swimming round. Im not sure what I think, but I do think and tahts why im not at church. Another reason that camr into my head when I though why am I not at church is because I need or want to opull the covers over my head and stay in bed, my lovely bed, my lovely lovekly lovely ved – but the abbey uis not a place whwere you can hide from your fears – you have to face them, springs to mind – this is how my mide works. And I just wish I could worte a story like this cos I have typed this in about ten minutes which is crazy – athough it doesn’t make senses.e I haven’t written anything for ages, andmaybe thzt is affecting ,me. I just odnt know. Io want/need a pensive, or someway of the compyter just writing every thoghbt I have, and saving them, so I can organise them into something I can understand – ike a filing system with lots of bits of paper. I love evanesecen so much,m it seems they/her can only understand what I fell. I know everyone else tries to but I cant tell you everything becuzse I don’t have the words and I don’t want to tell you everything for several reasons, but tghanks for trying to understand me but it doesn’t really work cops I am the opnly one who can truyly understand me. That’s just me – I cant tell you everything I know or belive, or think, because I cant talk for eternity – and I cant speak it anyway.
Savin me - Nickelback
Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm fallin'
And all I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm fallin'
Say it for me
and I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
This sing above is so relaavnt – al lthe lyrics apply to me ,lol – just look between the lines, and see the connections I can make!!!!!!! Although I am not suicidal !!!
This song is also amazing
Broken - Seether ft Amy Lee
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away
You've gone away you don't feel me anymore
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away
Although it doesn’t apply toi me at the mo, but it might im not usre. And if oeople ask me why I weant at choir I wil tell them silently to look at my blog where everuthign will be explained. But I wont say that – they will just have to find it fortehmesleves, and then everything wi be fine.
Liati
and i heavnt corrected the speeling ebcuase it i now wehat it meanns in my head,m so if you arreading this you will need to work out what i am writing¬!!!!
