Jokes to entertain Amber in the libary

//will correct typos soon!

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into theAirphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forwards it will install Windows.

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?So men can tell if they are coming or going.

Windows 95: The first program, having its best-before-date include in its name.
If Windows 95 is the answer, how stupid must have been the question?
Microsoft is not the answer - Microsoft is the question. The answer is no!

Your mama is so fat she wears a watch on each arn. One for each time zone.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?Pregnant.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?""There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics
:1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Why do they call it PMS?Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?She got cold and turned off the fan.

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug.

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!Now read without the word dog.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?Because it said 'concentrate'.

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway fivemiles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport isthree minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?A tourist.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day ...
Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette went into a farm to steal chickens. The police were nearby and they heard them and came in. The girls quickly jumped into three potato sacks so they wouldn't be seen.One policeman kicked the sack with the redhead, and she said "meow" pretending to be a cat.He kicked the second one with the brunette, and she said "ruff", pretending to be a dog.When he kicked the third sack with the blonde, she said "potatoes".

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Why don't men cook at home?There isn't a steak that can fit in a toaster.

A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?""Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?""Because you're really ugly," replied the man.

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.The next morning he reported to his father.Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Sh1t."

The reason God made the world round is becuase if it was flat all the fat people would fall through!

whay cant a blonde work in a banana facotry?she keeps throwing out the bent ones!

blonde, brunette and redhead walking down a road, all in seventh grade. who has the best figure?blonde, she is 25!
blonde hanging off a cliff, how do you get her to let go?wave with both hands!
why cant a blonde waterski?once she gets wet between the legs, she cant keep them closed
what did the blodes left leg say to the right leg?nothing, thy havent met!
you so ugly that when michale jackson saw you he said'right thats it im screwing kids'.
is it better to be born black or gay?black cos you wont have to tell your parents
how do you stop an iraqui tank?shoot the guy pushing it!
why are blacks afraid of chainsaws?tehy go run nigga nigga nigga nigga run nigga nigga nigga

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car and came back with a can of spray. She walked over to the limp rabbit and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

A plane was about to crash and there were 5 people on board and only 4 parachutes. The first person said. "I am Roy Keane, one of the best footballers in Ireland. I am worth a lot of money and my fans need me so think I should be saved." The others agreed and gave him one of the parachutes and off he went. The second person said "I am Gerry Adams, a radical Irish politician who can really help my country and I think I should be saved." The others said "OK" and gave him a parachute. The third person said "I am David Beckham, captain of the English National squad. I have a wife and two children. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and everyone thinks I am stupid, but I'm not, so I am taking a parachute" and off he went. There were two people left, the Pope and a 10 year old choolgirl. The Pope said, "Child, I am old and frail and have lived my life while you are young with everything before you. You take the parachute and I will stay with the aircraft and take my chances." "It's OK" said the girl, "there are still two parachutes left. David Beckham picked up my satchel."

Stupid Questions
>> Q. What is the definition of tight? >> A. Put a blind man in a circlular room and telling him his dinner is in the corner.
>> Q. What is the definition of annoyance? >> A. A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with an itchy behind.
>> Q. What is the definition of harsh? >> A. Walking up to an orphan, singing "We are family" or Walking up to a poor farmer, singing "I've got a brand new combine harvester".
>> Q. What is the definition of cruelty? >> A. Put a gun to a disabled man and telling him to leg it. >>
Q. What is the definition of unkind? >> A. Singing "Ah Ah Ah Staying Alive" in a cemetary.

Stupid Signs (These are actual signs seen in England)
Sign in a Laundromat:AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
In an office:AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a second-hand shop :WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.
Outside a disco:SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.
Sign warning of quicksand:QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LITTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
Notice in a field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
Sign on a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).