LOL

Quotes:
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Jokes:
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be.Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

More Quotes:
Adam: "You are what you eat."
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"

More Jokes:
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.
The Pope then stopped next to a low-life beggar, leaned over and whispered something in the beggar's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with a drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."